This is going to be very much so a personal post, in that I am writing it mainly to help me untangle the jumble of thoughts in my head around the subject. And if God would see it fit that these words help another person – Glory be to Him.

Just to give some backstory here – I have been a Christian for pretty much my entire life. I was brought to church from a very young age, and grew up in the faith.

The beliefs I had around salvation were basically that we become saved when we ask God to forgive us of our sins, and request that he "come into our hearts". Furthermore, it states that salvation is a free gift for anybody who asks, and by praying the aforementioned prayer, we become saved from that day forward.

Unfortunately, for me at least, this proved to be an incredibly shallow and superficial belief that lead to a significant amount of frustration, confusion, and fear.

Allow me to explain.

As a child, the idea of Jesus returning to judge humanity absolutely terrified me. Sure, a big part of that was me just being young, and devastated at the possibility that I wouldn't get to accomplish everything that I wanted to in my life. But, the greater part of that fear was that I would be found "guilty". Whether from not having enough faith, or simply not doing enough as a Christian, that my salvation would be proven false.

I remember how I used to feel a tremendous sense of guilt that I didn't share the Gospel with more people, or that I simply sinned too much. I believed that if I was TRULY saved, sinning wouldn't be this much of a problem

This became even more frustrating as I got older, when I saw the complete and utter transformation of a friend – who seemed to change overnight, turning his back on the sinful life he was living. Seeing his transformation was amazing to me, and a genuine blessing in my life. But at the same time – it was also frustrating. Up to that point in my life, I prayed the prayer of salvation probably thousands of times. Many of them were done tearfully, and in genuine earnest. And despite that, I would wonder why after doing so, I didn't really feel any different.

I am not completely sure what I was expecting to happen. It's not like I expected bright lights from Heaven to suddenly light up the sky, and that I would become immediately angelic, impervious to the allure of sin. But, perhaps for the first time in my life, I finally had an example of what true Christian conversion looked like – and I knew that what I experienced wasn't that.

And so – even into my mid to late 20's, I had these fears that I wasn't saved. That I was missing some secret "element", or that there was something that I just wasn't "getting".

Conquering sin was a matter of discipline to me. Any time I would fall prey to it – I would chalk it up to me simply not being disciplined enough.

I don't know exactly when it happened... but I do remember a couple of key events that began to shift my perspective.

I think the first was simply reading a statement from a trusted Christian mentor that said "God chose you before you chose God."

Now... for me, as a very logical, and rational thinker – this got my brain spinning. If God chose me before I chose him, wouldn't that mean I didn't have free-will? How does free-will play into all of this? If God knows what's going to happen and has always known, is it really free-will, or is it predestination?

The whole idea of God choosing me, before I ever chose him, lead me down a rabbit hole of theological articles, discussions, videos, and books. It was around this time, when I was first introduced to the idea of "Reformed Theology".

If the common believe is that we become saved when we ask Jesus into our hearts, Reformed Theology is the belief that God chooses who will be saved – and there is nothing that any of us can do to change that. To put it another way – if we choose God, it is because God chose us to be saved. And if we reject God, it is because God did not elect us for salvation.

Naturally, this flew in the face of everything I grew up believing. Surely that couldn't be right. If this were true, that would mean that there are people in the world who were created knowing full well they would be destroyed. That there are people in this world who, no matter how much they ask, pray and believe, will not go to Heaven! How could a just and loving God do that?

But... as I dug further, it made more and more sense. And, interestingly enough, as I found more and more truth in this doctrine, I became more and more convinced of my own salvation.

While I won't go through every single revelation and "A Ha!" moment that I experienced in regards to reformed theology, a couple of the main points include:

– Even when I was ignorant of the doctrine of reformed theology, I believed that there was nothing I could do to earn my salvation. Christ did it all for me. He lived a sinless life, was crucified, and endured God's wrath, in my place. He did what I couldn't do. Knowing this however, the big hiccup here is that praying a prayer to invite God into my heart would count as me contributing to my salvation. It is an action I performed, that ultimately said "Okay God! I give you permission to save me! You did your part, so now, let me do mine."

One of my favorite illustrations of this is this meme, of God shouting to Saul, telling him to ask him into his heart, so he could save him.

– All throughout scripture, we see examples of God choosing a few out of the many. He chose Noah to build an ark and preserve the human species. He chose Moses to lead his people out of Egypt. He chose Abraham to become the father of all nations. He chose the Israelites as his chosen people. Jesus chose 12 men to be his disciples. We see this time and time again in scripture – and yet somehow feel outraged at the idea that He should be able to choose his Bride (the church).

When I began to see my life through the lens of reformed theology, that is when it suddenly dawned on me – that God chose me. He actually CHOSE me. All of these years, I've been pursuing Him as this elusive thing to be "figured out", when in reality, He had me all along. Despite my flaws. Despite my doubts. Despite my lack of faith. Despite my feeble attempts.

Suddenly, as I looked back on my life, it is crystal clear that His hand has been in my life the entire time. And that for the past 40 years now, I have been on this journey of growth, discovery, and growing "deeper" in my faith and relationship with the Lord.

I want to pause here for a moment to just state this: there are still issues that I have with reformed theology as a doctrine. I don't claim to have it all figured out, and I am sure, if pressed hard enough, I could find a number of scriptures that counteract or contradict it. The reality is, is that I am still learning too. Never-the-less, there is no question that having the ability to view my life, faith, and God's word through that different lens has certainly served to deepen and strengthen my faith.

In addition to my deepening faith and understanding, came a deepened understanding of the ugliness of sin, and the seriousness of hell.

While I've always been rightfully afraid of ending up in Hell, I don't think I was afraid enough.

While a lot of people tend to picture this hot, fiery place with all the other "cool" people – the reality is that I don't think any of us can truly fathom what it would be like to be in a place that God has removed himself from.

Scripture teaches us that God is light, mercy, justice, love, peace, and joy.

Can any of us truly fathom what it would be like to live in a place where there is no light... no mercy... no justice... no love... no peace... and no joy?

I shudder to think of it. And yet – because of this deeper understanding of the terrors of hell, it caused me to be all the more grateful that I have been spared from it.

Suddenly, avoiding sin was less something I felt obligated to do, and more something I was happy to do.

I began to realize that God has slowly been changing in me not just what I do, but what I want to do.

As I mentioned before – prior to understanding all of this... I thought that conquering sin was simply a matter of discipline. And failure to any degree was simply a matter of not being disciplined enough.

Unfortunately, behavior modification will never truly produce good fruit. It is only when we are changed from the inside out, that we begin to desire to love the things that God loves, and hate the things that God hates.

For me, this process happened over the span of 40 years. For others... that process seems to happen overnight. But, the undeniable reality is – God's timing is perfect, and He will orchestrate things to occur exactly as He intends to. Ultimately, we cannot be outside of His will. And, strangely, there is great comfort in that.

I say "strangely", because as American's, our idea of freedom is very important to us. We take our freedom very seriously (despite what the current government might have you believe). So, our knee-jerk reaction to hearing that God is calling all of the shots tends to cause us to rebel. However... as Christians, it actually brings about a great sense of relief, because it tells us that we don't have to "try" so hard. God is going to accomplish His will one way or another. So, even if you think you've failed Him – He will always find another way.

For all of those times that you wanted to share the Gospel with somebody, but chickened out... if they have been chosen by God, He's going to have them, regardless of what you did or didn't do. In fact – when we fail to act on the things that God lays on our hearts, often times the only people we are hurting is ourselves... because we prevent the blessings that might have been lavished upon us for being good and faithful servants.

So – how does all of this affect my view of salvation today?

For as long as I've been a Christian, many people might find it surprising to know that I still sometimes struggle believing that I am actually saved.

I frequently succumb to the lies of the enemy that convince me I am not actually saved because I still struggle with countless sins in my life. Or that I got it all wrong and believed the "wrong thing". Or that I am one of the deceived ones who will hear those fateful words someday "Depart from me, I never knew you."

When those thoughts come upon me, there are a few things that bring me back, to reassure me of my salvation.

1.) The very fact that I fight sin is in and of itself an indicator of my salvation. Lost people who are not children of God do not feel guilt over their sin. They don't feel an unnatural urge to quit watching porn. They don't feel that living with their girlfriend before marriage, or getting divorced is morally wrong. The reality is, fighting sin is unnatural. It is not something that we could spark or initiate in ourselves, outside of God putting those desires there.

2.) The fact that I seek God. The fact that I desire to be with Him for all eternity. The fact that I follow Him, despite my rationalizations, doubts, and shortcomings. If I was indifferent about these things, I would be what most of the world calls "normal"... but I don't know that I would be saved.

3.) The fact that I have seen Him use me for His will. As I look back over my life, and reflect on the number of people that I've come across, who have turned around to show up again decades later. The fact that people read this blog and get value out of it. The fact that I have had friends come to me asking for prayer, or even to thank me for something I said or did for them that I barely even remember, but it made an impact on them. While I suppose it's true that God can use Christians and non-Christians alike to bring about His will... I have to believe that God is using even that to deepen my faith, and bring about His will.

So... will I ever be truly rid of sin in my life? No. Will I ever have perfect faith in my own salvation? Probably not. However – I have at least seen enough that it gives me reason for hope. And while I might always have certain fears and doubts – my greatest doubt of all is that I would ever renounce my faith completely. And for a logical, reasonable, skeptical man such as myself... that, I suppose, is my greatest reason for belief.