I seem to see a lot of posts and articles these days that talk about Biblical Womanhood and women's responsibilities as Christians. Posts about modesty, motherhood, submission to ones husband, head coverings, and more.
To "most" of the world, these virtues & expectations of women probably seem outdated and androcentric. Modern feminists in particular would find these things outrageous and infuriating.
To hear that women are supposed to submit to their husbands authority, serve as a "helper" for their husband, take care of the home, and gracefully handle all of the responsibilities that come along with motherhood – it would be almost unthinkable to live such a life.
And I have to concede, as I look around at the vast majority of men in the world today... I kind of get it.
A large majority of men today are almost comically unworthy of even a pat on the back, let alone "submission".
The fact that rape, sexual abuse, and porn-use are so absurdly rampant… the fact that so many men will readily move in with and “mooch" off of a woman and allow her to basically act as his mother… the fact that so many men will happily allow their wives to bear what should be their burdens and responsibilities… indeed, why would any woman with a brain WANT to submit to that?
You see… we always seem to hear about what is expected of women… but why aren’t more people talking about what men should be doing to DESERVE a woman who does those things?
Having been happily married for over ten years now, my marriage is actually something I’m very proud of. I can honestly say that I am happier and more in love with my wife now than I was when I married her. We rarely ever fight, and when we do, it’s usually a result of me being stupid and selfish.
At any rate, I don’t think our happy marriage is an accident. I believe our marriage is happy because it is built on a solid foundation of Christ-centeredness.
So today, I want to talk about Biblical husbandry, and what we, as men, should be doing, to be worthy of having a Biblical wife.
Self-sacrifice
I remember this day vividly. It was probably a few years or so before I proposed to wife, and I was at a crossroads in my life. At that time, I was very much so living a non-Christian life. And while it may be true that my version of a "non-Christian life" may seem tame to others... I won't downplay it. Is there ever any "good" version of indifference to God?
At that point in my life, I was spending the majority of my time with people who were not Christians – and it had the effect of rubbing off on me. I would watch whatever I wanted, listen to whatever I wanted, buy whatever I wanted and speak however I wanted. Ultimately, I was living for myself. And my "self" was my primary concern.
Incidentally, because I was so focused on myself, it lead me to a point where I was crippled with anxiety. There were constant hypochondria-based fears telling me I had cancer, or heart problems, or a brain tumor, or some other ailment that would surely end my life. Every day was a struggle, because I was in a constant state of near-panic.
But – there was a light in my life: my future-wife. Of all of the people I talked to, she was the only one that was able to make me feel some semblance of calm.
And, as I was standing in my apartment – I remember as clear as day realizing that this was the girl I wanted to be with, and that no matter what the cost, I wanted to take care of and protect her.
And, perhaps more importantly, I remember being willing to lay down my life, my wants, and my own happiness for her. Essentially, it was the realization that my own happiness didn't actually matter, so long as she was happy. I didn't care what my "friends" thought. I didn't care about whatever lies the enemy was telling me. I just knew, in that moment, that I was laying down my life, to serve her.
This was significant for me, because as I mentioned.. up to that point, I was a very selfish person. Up to that point... the only thing I ever cared about was how things concerned or benefitted me. So, for me to suddenly realize that I was willing to lay that down for the sake of another... well... I think there's a reason why I remember it so clearly, over a decade later.
Interestingly enough, unbeknownst to me, this is something that my wife was also vowing. And I honestly believe that the reason we work so well, is that both of us are primarily more concerned about the happiness and well-being of the other, than we are of ourselves.
Indeed, that is the way it should be.
From that very specific moment, I vowed that I would work as hard as I could in order to fully support her in whatever she wanted to do. I would work, so she didn't have to.
Before getting married, I was fully prepared to be the sole earner in the house. That is not to say that I had any objections to her getting a job, or having a career. But, I was decidedly prepared to do whatever it took to earn enough to support ourselves, regardless of what she chose.
So, if women are expected to submit to the authority of their husbands... men – you must also be ready and willing to sacrifice your money, time, happiness, comfort, and indeed, your very life, for her. You don't simply get to be a leader, and get waited on hand and foot, for no other reason than "you're the man". That is not true in ANY form of authentic leadership, and marriage is certainly no exception. If you want to be the leader of the household, you must first be willing to sacrifice everything for the good of those in your care.
Ambition & Drive
On a somewhat related note – no woman wants to follow a man who does't know where he's going. Inversely, it is easy to follow a man who has a crystal clear mission, and is driven to see that mission through.
This is not to be confused with dreams and aspirations. I think that is where most men fall short. They have things they would "like" to accomplish. They have a life that they dream about. But, they never take any action towards it. They simply allow it to continue to be a dream.
One of the most common paradoxes that men deal with is being "friend zoned" by women who are far more interested in a guy who treats her like dirt. And then we get all self-conscious, thinking that it is a problem with our looks, or how much money we make, or something else completely unrelated to the actual issue.
In reality – women are far more gracious than we give them credit for. They are capable of overlooking so much, in hopes that we will do what we are supposed to do. They will look past looks. They will marry a man who has no money. They will forgive a checkered past.
The real issue is not your looks, your wealth, your past, or your job. The real issue is, you are focusing on her, rather than your mission. Women don't want to date jerks, or people who treat them like dirt. But, women also don't want to date men whose sole ambition is her. Because what happens when you obtain her? Suddenly, it's game over. You've peaked. If there's nothing else that is driving you, then there's nothing for her to jump on board with.
Now, don't mistake what I am saying here. I am not saying that your work should take precedence or priority over your wife. I am saying however that a woman will always support a man who is going somewhere, over a man who has no ambition, no drive, and takes no action to get there.
Righteous Aggression
Despite what modern society tells us – aggression in men is a good and Holy thing.
It is right for a man to aggressively defend and protect those who are in his care. It is right for a man to act aggressively towards injustice. It is right for a man to use force to protect things that are good, and things that are innocent.
Unfortunately, societally, mens aggression is often misunderstood. And at an individual level, a mans aggression is too-frequently misused and misdirected... which causes the rest of the world to look at aggression as a bad thing that should be suppressed.
Make no mistake... it is wrong for a man to misuse his aggression, or direct it towards his spouse, children, or undeserving individuals. And it is wrong for a man to allow his anger to control him, or for him to take it out on others who are undeserving of that aggression.
However – when properly applied... aggression in a man is a wonderful thing, and is something I believe the world will not realize the value of until it ceases to exist.
One thing that I have learned from my wife, is simply the fear that women often live with, just going about their lives. They often feel vulnerable, and at risk of being raped, or worse.
As a man, this is simply not a fear that I have. I walk down the street free from the fear of a strange man imposing his will upon me.
And while it is not at all unreasonable for women to wish for a world where they didn't have that fear – the unfortunate reality is, evil people will always exist (at least on this side of Heaven). And so, for as long as there are evil people in this world – a women will always prefer to feel safe and protected than vulnerable and at-risk. As such, a woman will be most attracted to a man who is capable and willing to use aggression to protect her when necessary.
Humility
On the other side of aggression, you have humility.
In a world that seems to praise people like Conor McGregor, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Kanye West, it is perhaps unsurprising that weak, insecure men think that brash arrogance is a desirable quality. In the real world however, quite the opposite is true.
Women don't want a man who feels the need to tell the world how great he is. Indeed, a truly self-assured man doesn't particularly care one way or another what other people think of him.
The man who craves the spotlight for himself will rarely, if ever, make a good leader or husband, because his first love will always be himself. A woman will always prefer her man to brag about the beauty and grace of his wife, than his own accomplishments.
As such, a man who allows his actions and accomplishments to do the talking will always earn more respect and admiration from his wife than the man who has to tell people about them.
Gentleness
Similar to humility, men are often not applauded for their gentleness – and yet, it is something that every wife wants in her husband. Yes, a man should be capable of aggression and strength. But, a man must also act with patience and gentleness towards his wife and children.
Indeed, the default state of a man should be that of gentleness, compassion, and soft-spokenness. When this is true, then his aggression and strength become all the more potent. More on that shortly.
Ability to Provide
I hit on this a bit earlier – but, I want to mention again how before I proposed to my wife, I had this overwhelming urge to provide for her, and to work hard enough that I could provide for the both of us.
As men, we are built for work. Not all of us equally. We all have different capabilities and strengths. But, at the end of the day, we are made for toil.
In generations past, it was common for men to work the same job for 40-50 years, day-in, and day-out. And the working conditions were far worse than what we see today. I'm not talking about cushy office jobs. I'm talking hard labor. Construction. Coal mining. Farming. And they would do this every day, 8 - 10 hours a day, for decades on end.
In todays society, it is hard for us to imagine how they did it. Most of us wouldn't last a single day. Most men today, especially the up-and-coming generation, detest hard work. Their comfort and convenience is far more important to them. And sadly, this is to their detriment.
Men are made to toil. Just as a wild animal will never be truly happy stuck in an enclosure at the zoo – a man will never be happy living a life without toil.
Genesis 3:19 tells us "You will sweat and work hard for your food. Later you will return to the ground because you were taken from it. You are dust, and when you die, you will return to the dust."
When God created man, his load was light, and pleasurable to him. After the fall of man, his work became tedious and difficult. So, when we attempt to have our heaven on earth by working lightly, we fall deeper into sin. This becomes even more true when we try to outsource these burdens onto our wives, allowing them to work, so we don't have to work as hard. Don't misread what I am saying. I am NOT saying that women should not be allowed to work. I AM saying that too many men are happy to share the burden of their work, without sharing the burdens of their wives in kind.
When a man truly embraces and accepts the difficulty of his work, it will enable him to provide for himself and those in his care. Not always in excess – but always in sufficiency. Inversely, when a man is capable of working, but refuses, he should not expect to eat.
Guarded, Unwavering Eyes
I have spoken about this before – but it always bears repeating. Men – you urgently need to do better at guarding what passes before your eyes.
We "claim" that we want modest, chaste women – and yet, we directly counteract this claim by supporting things that suggest the opposite.
Biologically speaking – you are wired to be attracted to the nude female body. Period. You will never not like the sight of a naked woman who has taken care of herself. So much so that a woman doesn't even have to be naked in order for you to fantasize about it.
God knew this about us, as He made us this way. But, he did not make it so that we could enjoy the sight of every woman, with unbridled lust. Instead, he gave us marriage.
Men, hear me. Your wife will never stop wanting to be desired by you. Read that again.
Every time you watch a movie or TV show with nudity. Every time you watch porn. Every time you undress that waitress with your eyes – you are saying to God that the wife He gave you is not enough. You are saying to your wife that she is not enough. And you are also saying to the movie/tv producers "Yes – more of this please!"
You truly cannot fully love your wife if you are constantly lusting over other women. The biblical husband knows this, and does everything he can to safeguard his eyes from it.
He actively avoids watching shows that he knows has nudity.
He avoids having apps on his phone that lead to impure thoughts.
He recognizes situations that lead him to temptation, and works to avoid them.
He accepts and seeks out accountability in his friends to keep him from straying.
And, perhaps most importantly, he controls his thoughts, and doesn't allow lustful thoughts to take root in his mind.
Talent/Excellence
A biblical husband has at least one talent that he actively strives to maintain or grow, particularly for the use of service to his family, church, and community.
I'm not specifically talking about fruits of the spirit here. I am talking about actual, physical talent.
With the internet, we have more information at our disposal than any other time in human history. There is simply no excuse for a man to be talentless. A man should be able take interest in, and develop skill in something, which can in-turn be used for the good of those around him.
When somebody is a skilled singer or instrumentalist – it is a blessing to those who get to hear it.
When an athlete is truly skilled in a sport, it is a blessing for others to lay witness to the capabilities of the human body.
When an artist is skilled, it is a blessing to others who find beauty in the art that they produce.
By immersing oneself into a skill, we learn more deeply about the nature and character of the God who created us.
We were not made to simply exist. We were made with creativity, strength, thought, logic, and physicality. To allow those characteristics and qualities to go unrealized and undeveloped is akin to being given a brand new laptop, and using it exclusively as a paperweight.
We learn about our purpose, and our creator when we invest in building skills that we are naturally drawn to.
Strength
A Biblical husband should possess strength: physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Physically speaking – a strong man is desirable, simply because his strength is both practical and utilitarian. A strong man can protect. A strong man can open tight jars. A strong man can carry a woman or children to safety. A strong man can break through doors in a smoke-filled fiery house. A strong man can work hard.
Mentally – a strong man can control his thoughts and actions. A strong man can do what he knows is right, and avoid doing what he knows is wrong.
Spiritually – a strong man knows that ultimately, he is weak. That however strong he might be physically and mentally, that spiritually he is hopeless, and in need of a savior. The spiritually-strongest man is the one who submits to Christ's authority the most. Which leads me to my last and final point...
Christ-seeking
I saved this for last, because I believe the penultimate quality that a Biblical husband can have is that he seeks Christ above all things. If he does this, then he has a perfect model of everything else mentioned in this article, including strength and aggression.
When a man pursues Christ and His kingdom with unwavering commitment, he will easily recognize all of the qualities that he should possess so that he might be a Godly husband to his wife, a Godly father to his children, and a Godly man to his community.
Conclusion
Despite how hard I try, the truth of the matter is, I am not the perfect embodiment of all of these characteristics. No man is.
We all fail on every one of these points, far more frequently than we'd ever care to admit.
Never-the-less... far different is the man who strives to be better in all of these points, than the man who is oblivious or dismissive of them.
I look at the man I am today, compared to the man I was when I first got married. And, because I have sought Christ first... I can plainly see me growing in each of these qualities as a result. And because of that, my marriage continues to grow and flourish, rather than withering and dying.
And I can truly say that the better job I do at adhering to these qualities, the happier my wife is.
The more willing I am to be the husband that I mentioned throughout this article, the more my wife is willing to be the woman that scripture teaches her to be.
And the more we both lean in to the Biblical descriptions of manhood & womanhood, the better our marriage seems to get.